I'm ready for change.

I've just been coasting along for the last 8 months, not giving anything or anyone in my life any significant attention. Everything takes so much effort and I just don't feel like making an effort. Kids, dinner, laundry, bills, dogs, church, quiet time, making friends, keeping up with old ones... it all require effort. Thought. Nurturing. Love. I hurt and I just want to be left alone. Sort of. What I really want is a free pass from all my responsibilities, to have all expectations waived until I feel better. Too bad I still have children to raise, a husband to tend to, and a God that I'm supposed to serve.

ADD Moment... it just occurs to me that I got that completely out of order.

Now I realize that given the circumstances of the past year I'm allowed to be, shall we say, afflicted. Sad. Depressed even. I miss Jackie in ways I never thought possible. My heart literally aches for her. No matter how cliche it sounds, it's still the truth.

Watching my Grace grieve her is no picnic either. In fact I'd say that not being able to soothe her pain is the worst feeling I've ever experienced in my life. My little girl hurts so deeply and there isn't a dang thing I can do about it... except hold her and pray. I know, I know... those are the best things I can do for her. I need to trust God with the rest. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever. I'm her mom and I feel helpless. I am helpless. That hurts.

But no matter how much it hurts it's time to move forward. Today, I'm choosing to do just that.